Both kids are napping as I lay in bed, making my second round at Instagram & Facebook. As I mindlessly scroll, I think to myself "Why can't I ever seem to accomplish anything during the day?" Frustration & anxiety start to build, the pile of clothes that has been on my dresser for 2 weeks now begins to mock me and my stomach growling isn't helping matters.
I have just successfully wasted an hour of my life watching videos of the Kardashians (and I despise them), looking at random facts I didn't know about celebrity couples, trying to decide if it's "Yanny or Laurel" and the theories behind both, not to mention scrolling through hundreds of perfectly curated photos on Instagram that just make me feel even worse about my messy house & our lack of extra spending money.
“Are you starting to see any holes in my Life choices? ”
I'm exhausted. I'm cranky. I'm gaining weight at a frightening speed because of laziness & stress eating. I'm resentful towards my husband for having a job and towards complete strangers who can make motherhood look easy & effortless. And to top it all off... I feel incredibly alone. And while I'm being real honest, just admitting this all out loud is making me want to crawl into a hole and power eat oreos.
I stare at the monitor during nap time, wondering how much time I have before they both wake up, wasting time as I try to decide what task I should accomplish first before my time is up. Before I know it, the littlest one starts to stir, I start to feel the anger and frustration starting to bubble to the surface, because I just don't seem to ever have enough time. Wash, Rinse, Repeat. That is honestly how my week goes.
Some days are honestly exhausting, but a lot of my pain and frustration is self inflicted. Phones are thieves, they steal so many hours, they steal moments away from my husband and kids, they steal my joy & confidence. And yet, I struggle putting it down.
“I’m going to start eating better. I’m going to start working out. I’m going to do more projects with the kids. I’m going to start a blog. I’m going to... I’m going to.... I’m going to.... look at my phone for hours and ignore everything I actually want to do in real life.”
Oh gosh, please tell me I'm not the only person who does this? Anyone? If you're nodding your head like a bobble head, let's make a plan. Let's put down the phone (yes, sorry, don't put the phone down just yet, if you're reading this on your phone...) & grab a pen and some paper and just start writing. Write down plans for the summer, dreams, goals, to do's, projects around the house, groceries you need to buy, dinners you want to try. Just dump everything in your head at this moment out on paper. Then color code it based on what it is... You can see how I did it in the photo. (if you can read my chicken scratch... yes I'm supposed to be good at handlettering, but I'm not that great at regular handwriting.)
Now that we have our list, and we can keep adding things and crossing things off of this list, let's start trying to take steps to make these things happen. Maybe we make daily lists with small action steps for bigger items? For example, from my list, I realize that I have a lot of House projects I want to accomplish, mainly getting our stuff organized & Clean. We suffer from clutter. Mounds & mounds of clutter. So maybe my daily list will be...( 1. Clean off dining table. 2. Put away clothes on dresser. 3. Clean up art supplies in kitchen. 4. Put away Pack n play.) Four small tasks that will make a huge impact on my day.
Okay, who's with me? Let's try to be more intentional, and maybe we will start to see more joy in our days, instead of the constant anxiety of never getting anything done.
And this is my public cry for accountability. I'm going to hold myself to this, and if you need help being accountable, message me, comment on this, or just get in contact with me SOMEHOW and we will be in this together!