It always starts the same, palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy… just kidding that’s an Eminem song. But in all seriousness. The start of a new school year brings out so much anxiety in me. And when I try to put my finger on why, all I’m met with is confusion and more anxiety. Maybe I should take the advice from the wise Donald Draper and “Think about it deeply, and then forget it… then an idea will jump up in your face.” In this case, not so much an idea, but maybe the whole reason as to why I’m so crazy when it comes to the first day jitters.
Yesterday was our 3rd first day of school for Jonathan. He attended a year of Preschool, followed by young fives, and now his first day of Kindergarten, and I have felt on the verge of vomiting all three times. This anxiety generally starts to subside a few weeks in, once I start to get into the groove and get a better handle on our new routine… but that’s just it. Routine. I thrive on it. I know what to expect. And as someone who actually enjoyed this summer of cancelled plans, forced time at home, and all this SOCIAL-distancing… re-entering the world of OTHER people is so hard. (FOR ME).
Sharing the funny, honest & embarrassing on social media just comes naturally, I’d say I’m a down-to-earth human being, but when you meet me in person I’M PAINFULLY AWKWARD. So much awkward silence, I’m terrible at making conversation, in truth, I’m just SUPER shy… So when I meet people in person, they think I’m just not nice because I’m not super chatty right off the bat. When in truth… I really want to be outgoing, but I never know what to say!
Wow, this is actually quite cathartic as I hash this out in my own head, because I’ve already revealed two truths to myself as to why I feel ALL THE ANXIETY about starting a new school year. 1. Fear of Change. 2. Fear of forced interaction with new people. And the last truth, I just realized. 3. My projected personal fears of going to a new school with new people, for Jonathan. Let me explain…
Jonathan is an incredibly kind and energetic little boy. He loves to laugh. Love dinosaurs. Thinks everyone in this world is good. Doesn’t understand personal space, and general social etiquette with people who aren’t in his own family. So I’m constantly worried that someone is going to be mean to him, or bully him and steal his sweet naive spirit away from him. When I look back on my years of school, I’m not met with all the warm fuzzies some people might have. It was hard. I never felt like I fit in anywhere. People made assumptions about me because I was quiet. And I think I inadvertently project all those feelings on to Jonathan, even though he is a completely different kid. And I need to stop doing that. All I can do is encourage him to be the kind of kid that makes EVERYONE feel welcome, and teach him that everyone is different, but they are EXACTLY how God intended them to be.
So to sum up all my ramblings: Here is what I’ve learned while writing down some crazy thoughts and feelings.
Don’t be afraid of change. It’s good. It promotes growth and new habits.
Stop being so afraid to meet new people. As your life changes, so do the people you come in contact with, and just like change, new friends are also good.
Don’t project your own bad experiences on your kids, and let them draw their own conclusions based off of what they personally experience.