The Parable of the Peonies

I felt the anxiety welling up inside as we pulled out of the driveway for a long weekend away. All over Instagram were gorgeous photos of Peonies, beautifully styled photos, and ours were just starting to bloom. "I know they are all going to bloom this weekend while we are gone and I'm not going to get to photograph them, style them or even enjoy them." 

It's been exactly 5 years since we signed the papers and got the keys to our little Burnt Orange Mid Century Mod House. In those five years, we've completed MANY MANY projects, but my most favorite outside addition was the two peony bushes that we planted out front. 

Every year since we planted them, I wait in anticipation to see how many blooms I will get that year. I panic and obsess over them. I fear that if I don't cut them all and bring them all inside that I'm going to waste them. One year, I even went as far as to try and put them in the fridge and save them for months later. But as I was showering the other day, I had this crystalizing epiphany. 

Which is where the "Parable of the Peonies" came from. There were two maidens, both with gorgeous gardens full of Peonies of various colors. The first maiden would wait with anticipation as her garden blossomed. She would obsess about trying to make sure that she enjoyed every second of her garden, to the point that is caused her so much stress that she spent the entire time worrying she was missing it. She would anxiously plan out things to do with her flowers, photo shoots, social media posts, but then she would blink, and just like that the flowers had died and she forgot to enjoy the beauty that she was blessed with. 

The second maiden, like the first, waited with anticipation for the joy that these gorgeous blooms would bring to her, and with pruning sheers in hand, she snipped a few stems for herself to enjoy inside. The sight & fragrance of the flowers brought her heart so much joy & as she looked over the bushes, she saw so many flowers and realized that there was no way should keep these all to herself. So she snipped a few more, wrapped them up, and decided to make a few deliveries to others who she knew would enjoy their beauty as well. Because when the day is done and the flowers die (as they always do), you will be left with nothing. But using something as simple as a flower to spread love, joy & friendship to those around you, that's a way to make them last far longer. 

I'm learning to work on that whole contentment, & living in the moment thing and in case you were wondering, I haven't quite figured it out just yet, but I'm trying. Maybe it's the photographer in me, or the fact that I'm sadly too obsessed with social media, but I never feel like I can truly live in the moment if I'm not able to take photo documentation of said moment. 

Have you seen this photo of the sweet little old lady enjoying the moment, as everyone around her is feverishly trying to document every second with their phones? It was like a punch to the gut for me, because it's easy for me to be one of those people looking at life through the lens of my iPhone. But when was the last time that you sat back, put away the phone, and enjoyed life as it was actually unfolding, minute by minute, and truly felt content with the season of life that you were in. Not telling yourself, well if I could just get to this point I would be okay. If I could just declutter the whole house, and get everything clean, maybe I won't feel so crazy. If I could just lose 20 pounds, maybe I'll be happier. 

There will always be goals to accomplish, laundry to wash, a house to clean, but there will never be another day just like today, so enjoy where you are and share your joy with those around you. Life isn't about the things you have, its about the relationships you build, the legacy of love that you create, and the ability to love others the way that Jesus loves us. 

I Said a Change... A Change Will Do You Good.

Pretty sure I just dated myself with that song lyric quote, but for real, change will do you good!! With the exception of the hour I lost just a little bit ago, as I watched a few random youtube videos from Ellen, and this battle that I'm currently losing with this bag of Pretzel thins, I have been REALLY GOOD and intentional with my time! My kids have been happier because mama is happier, and I even fit in time for some family time with a trip to the local greenhouse to pick out our flowers for our summer patio pots! 

The past few days have been the restart I've been needing. Instead of hitting the ground running, already behind the gun because I wasted 30 min scrolling through Instagram first thing in the morning... I've been getting up, washing my face, getting ready for the day, sipping a coffee and listening to podcasts. Followed by breakfast with my sweet kiddos as we laugh and listen to music. As they play on the floor in the living room, I try to accomplish a few small tasks here and there that I had previously written down on my list for the day. Naps. A workout. And so on and so forth, and finally ending the night early, cuddled up with my husband as we are both present to either have a conversation or watch a television show together before bed.

Life is far from perfect. I am FAR from perfect. This week, has NOT been perfect. Believe me, there have been meltdowns, timeouts, tears, arguments, moments of binge eating handfuls of chocolate chips while hiding in a closet, I flooded the laundry room, I caught myself countless times getting caught up in the comparison game on social media... but there has also been Joy. So. Much. Joy. And I have been consciously choosing to focus on that. 

Am I cured? No. Have a fixed all my problems? No. But have I been trying my best to love my family and make them feel loved and heard? Absolutely. And I think that's pretty darn good. Small steps. Progress over perfection. 

Help Me! I'm Wasting My Own Time...

Both kids are napping as I lay in bed, making my second round at Instagram & Facebook. As I mindlessly scroll, I think to myself "Why can't I ever seem to accomplish anything during the day?" Frustration & anxiety start to build, the pile of clothes that has been on my dresser for 2 weeks now begins to mock me and my stomach growling isn't helping matters.

I have just successfully wasted an hour of my life watching videos of the Kardashians (and I despise them), looking at random facts I didn't know about celebrity couples, trying to decide if it's "Yanny or Laurel" and the theories behind both, not to mention scrolling through hundreds of perfectly curated photos on Instagram that just make me feel even worse about my messy house & our lack of extra spending money. 

“Are you starting to see any holes in my Life choices? ”

I'm exhausted. I'm cranky. I'm gaining weight at a frightening speed because of laziness & stress eating. I'm resentful towards my husband for having a job and towards complete strangers who can make motherhood look easy & effortless. And to top it all off... I feel incredibly alone. And while I'm being real honest, just admitting this all out loud is making me want to crawl into a hole and power eat oreos. 

I stare at the monitor during nap time, wondering how much time I have before they both wake up, wasting time as I try to decide what task I should accomplish first before my time is up. Before I know it, the littlest one starts to stir, I start to feel the anger and frustration starting to bubble to the surface, because I just don't seem to ever have enough time. Wash, Rinse, Repeat. That is honestly how my week goes. 

Some days are honestly exhausting, but a lot of my pain and frustration is self inflicted. Phones are thieves, they steal so many hours, they steal moments away from my husband and kids, they steal my joy & confidence. And yet, I struggle putting it down. 

“I’m going to start eating better. I’m going to start working out. I’m going to do more projects with the kids. I’m going to start a blog. I’m going to... I’m going to.... I’m going to.... look at my phone for hours and ignore everything I actually want to do in real life.”

Oh gosh, please tell me I'm not the only person who does this? Anyone? If you're nodding your head like a bobble head, let's make a plan. Let's put down the phone (yes, sorry, don't put the phone down just yet, if you're reading this on your phone...) & grab a pen and some paper and just start writing. Write down plans for the summer, dreams, goals, to do's, projects around the house, groceries you need to buy, dinners you want to try. Just dump everything in your head at this moment out on paper. Then color code it based on what it is... You can see how I did it in the photo. (if you can read my chicken scratch... yes I'm supposed to be good at handlettering, but I'm not that great at regular handwriting.) 

Now that we have our list, and we can keep adding things and crossing things off of this list, let's start trying to take steps to make these things happen. Maybe we make daily lists with small action steps for bigger items? For example, from my list, I realize that I have a lot of House projects I want to accomplish, mainly getting our stuff organized & Clean. We suffer from clutter. Mounds & mounds of clutter. So maybe my daily list will be...( 1. Clean off dining table. 2. Put away clothes on dresser. 3. Clean up art supplies in kitchen. 4. Put away Pack n play.) Four small tasks that will make a huge impact on my day. 

Okay, who's with me? Let's try to be more intentional, and maybe we will start to see more joy in our days, instead of the constant anxiety of never getting anything done. 

And this is my public cry for accountability. I'm going to hold myself to this, and if you need help being accountable, message me, comment on this, or just get in contact with me SOMEHOW and we will be in this together! 

Verona Marie: A Birth Story

I have sat down to write this blog post so many times over the past 3 months, and I just knew that I needed a video to help better express our excitement and joy for this new addition. She was the promise that God told me about late at night, as tears soaked my pillow. She is worth every second of those 20 months of waiting, every second of heart ache and pain. She is a sign of redemption. She is my rainbow after the flood. “Rona” means “my joy” in Hebrew and “covenant or oath” in Gaelic. And that is exactly what she is to us. Our sweet rainbow baby.

If you want to hear the most laid-back, stress-free birth story, well I have one for you! Friday, June 30th, I went in for a prenatal massage, told the masseuse to do her worst and send me into labor. Contractions started as soon as I left the room. I began timing them, and for the next 5 hours, I had 30 second contractions every 2 minutes. It was bizarre, but consistent. After a quick call to the on-call doctor, they had me come in to be monitored. We walked around the maternity floor for about an hour, with just a little progress in dilation, they decided to admit me. 

I had a decent night sleep, with the contractions slowly intensifying. But when they checked me at 10:30am, I was still only around 3.5 cm. The doctor called an audible and without a minute to think about it, she broke my water and BOOM. We were moving. My contractions stayed at about 2 minutes apart, but quickly became extremely intense. I labored for almost 2 hours, and then received my epidural. 

After the epidural, I expected my labor to slow down, like it did when I had Jonathan. I washed my face, brushed my teeth and then took a nap. Thirty minutes later, I woke up with the urge to push. The nurse checked my progress and with wide eyes told me, “don’t push, your baby’s head is right there.” At that point my mom and sister in law arrived. I asked if I could quickly put some makeup on because I wasn’t prepared to do this just yet. I got my foundation on, the doctor walked in at 1pm, the lights came on and with 3 contractions, 7 minutes and a few pushes, Verona Marie was here. 

“Wait, did that really just happen?! That was so easy” i couldn’t believe she was here! So fast! So easily! It all felt like a dream. There was this moment that I will never forget though, as she was crowning and the doctor said “oh she’s going to be blonde.” I felt this instant flood of emotion, and couldn’t contain my joy, my excitement, the culmination of all my prayers & dreams, she was going to be blonde, just like God told me she would be. This was HIS story of Rescue and Redemption. His plans for our family, He knew them all along, He just needed me to surrender and allow Him to work. And man did He deliver. She is more perfect than anything I could have imagined for us. She truly is our joy. 

She feels like the piece that was missing, and Ryan, Jonathan and I couldn’t be happier. Welcome Verona Marie, we are so glad to have you here! 

All photos taken by Alyssa Fallon of Grace & Goodness Photo