Finding My Focus: Why I do What I do...

“What do you do? And Why do you do it?” Two questions I’ve been sitting down with a lot lately. Outside of the obvious “I’m a mom, and I love my kids” it’s really getting me thinking on a bigger scale.

This year for Christmas, Ryan bought me a book that was on my amazon wish list, and instead of just buying one, he bought two so he could read it right along with me. In true Ryan fashion, he had to vet the author and make sure she was good and someone he would enjoy reading, and after realizing that a lot of her messages align with his current favorite author, Michael Hyatt, he was intrigued. For those curious, it’s The Joy of Missing Out by Tonya Dalton.

Let me preface this with saying, I’m not someone who enjoys reading. If I have a spare 10-15 minutes, I usually waste it scrolling instagram or amazon looking at random things I don’t need. I couldn’t even be motivated in high school or college knowing my grade depended on it. It’s just never something that I’ve given myself the mental space to do. So when Ryan told me he would do this with me and we could discuss the book together, I was excited for another thing for us to talk about. A little look into me and Ryan’s relationship, we talk a lot, we discuss certain topics, we are very much involved in each other’s lives. If you were to see us out on a date in a restaurant (you know, pre-covid), there are no phones at the table, and we are usually talking or laughing.

A couple nights ago, after finishing a chapter, I put down the book and started talking about the questions that the author posed. “What do I do? Why do I do it? What am I passionate about? What makes me great?” Ryan and I tossed around a couple ideas, and he told me things that he thought I was good at, and I brought up a few things I enjoyed. Outside of motherhood, one big constant for me in all my years, I’ve always loved connecting with people on very personal levels. Almost allergic to small talk, I don’t want to talk to you about the weather, but rather something that is on your mind. Something deeper than that. Something you aspire to do, something you’re struggling with. Or I want to talk to you about something deeper that’s on my mind, in order to connect with you and show you another layer of who I am.

If you’ve known me for any amount of time, and have had a real conversation with me, you know that I don’t fake the funk. People who know me in real life, and follow me on social media know that they get the same person no matter what. (I may curse a little bit more in real life, but that’s only if I know there aren’t children present.) But THIS is me. And one thing that I brought up to Ryan as an answer to what I’m passionate about, is that I don’t like knowing people feel alone. Whether it’s in life, in motherhood, in their health, in their struggles, in their joy, I want to be able to use what God has given me, who He made me to be, and bring those struggling a glimmer of peace and to feel seen.

Okay, so all that to say, how am I going to put this into action? Honestly, I’m going to keep showing up. I’m going to keep talking about my life, our struggles, our wins because that’s what I love. Maybe it’s here on the blog. Maybe it will be with people who send me direct messages. Or with friends I get to sit down and have coffee with. But my one prayer for 2021 is to continue this life of living with intention, not buying into the lies that THINGS make us happy, motherhood is always awful and hard, being healthy means you have a perfect body, and that a good life should always be easy and without obstacles.

I feel like I declare this over every year, but last year I blogged 19 times over the course of a year, which is WAY more than I did in 2019, or 2018 combined! So here I go again, trying to be better at this, and setting a goal of AT LEAST once a week, which feels completely manageable at the moment. Happy first week of January!

First Day of School Jitters...

It always starts the same, palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy… just kidding that’s an Eminem song. But in all seriousness. The start of a new school year brings out so much anxiety in me. And when I try to put my finger on why, all I’m met with is confusion and more anxiety. Maybe I should take the advice from the wise Donald Draper and “Think about it deeply, and then forget it… then an idea will jump up in your face.” In this case, not so much an idea, but maybe the whole reason as to why I’m so crazy when it comes to the first day jitters.

Yesterday was our 3rd first day of school for Jonathan. He attended a year of Preschool, followed by young fives, and now his first day of Kindergarten, and I have felt on the verge of vomiting all three times. This anxiety generally starts to subside a few weeks in, once I start to get into the groove and get a better handle on our new routine… but that’s just it. Routine. I thrive on it. I know what to expect. And as someone who actually enjoyed this summer of cancelled plans, forced time at home, and all this SOCIAL-distancing… re-entering the world of OTHER people is so hard. (FOR ME).

Sharing the funny, honest & embarrassing on social media just comes naturally, I’d say I’m a down-to-earth human being, but when you meet me in person I’M PAINFULLY AWKWARD. So much awkward silence, I’m terrible at making conversation, in truth, I’m just SUPER shy… So when I meet people in person, they think I’m just not nice because I’m not super chatty right off the bat. When in truth… I really want to be outgoing, but I never know what to say!

Wow, this is actually quite cathartic as I hash this out in my own head, because I’ve already revealed two truths to myself as to why I feel ALL THE ANXIETY about starting a new school year. 1. Fear of Change. 2. Fear of forced interaction with new people. And the last truth, I just realized. 3. My projected personal fears of going to a new school with new people, for Jonathan. Let me explain…

Jonathan is an incredibly kind and energetic little boy. He loves to laugh. Love dinosaurs. Thinks everyone in this world is good. Doesn’t understand personal space, and general social etiquette with people who aren’t in his own family. So I’m constantly worried that someone is going to be mean to him, or bully him and steal his sweet naive spirit away from him. When I look back on my years of school, I’m not met with all the warm fuzzies some people might have. It was hard. I never felt like I fit in anywhere. People made assumptions about me because I was quiet. And I think I inadvertently project all those feelings on to Jonathan, even though he is a completely different kid. And I need to stop doing that. All I can do is encourage him to be the kind of kid that makes EVERYONE feel welcome, and teach him that everyone is different, but they are EXACTLY how God intended them to be.

So to sum up all my ramblings: Here is what I’ve learned while writing down some crazy thoughts and feelings.

1. Don’t be afraid of change. It’s good. It promotes growth and new habits.

2. Stop being so afraid to meet new people. As your life changes, so do the people you come in contact with, and just like change, new friends are also good.

3. Don’t project your own bad experiences on your kids, and let them draw their own conclusions based off of what they personally experience.

Dear Verona... {Year 3}

My dear sweet Verona girl,

It’s hard to believe you are three, because I still very clearly remember a day that I was praying for you to come into existence. As I pleaded with God, laying on a tear soaked pillow, I prayed for a curly blonde hair, blue eyed daughter who loved sundresses, singing, dancing and laughing. I prayed for a smart, silly, lover-girl with a calm demeanor, but strong-willed personality. I often wonder if God gave me these desires, or if you were simply an answer to a prayer I always knew I needed. Three years doesn’t seem that long, because I feel like I’ve known you all my life.

Thank you for being my air, sunshine & light. Thank you for being my Rainbow. Thank you for always being down for dance parties, Starbucks runs, & trips to Target. Thank you for telling me I’m a good mama, even when you can tell I’m having a ‘bad mama day.’ Thank you for always saying “hey mama, you so awesome” 102 times a day because you know it makes me smile. Thank you for being strong willed, I promise this is a good thing, even if people try to turn it into a flaw. Thank you for all the daily kisses, hugs, snuggles and forehead hugs, some days they are the only thing holding me together. Thank you for always laughing at my funny faces and for saying “oh mama, you so funny” and for loving all the girly things that I love.

I have so many dreams for you, my beautiful girl, but I promise to always be your cheerleader, no matter what direction you choose to go. I want you to always know that I am here to give you guidance but I will try my hardest to make sure it’s never hateful or judgmental.

This next year was going to be a big one for you, with going to preschool and meeting new friends. I’m so sorry that it won’t be happing due to current state of the world, but this year is still filled with so much promise and excitement, and I can’t wait to explore this world with you!

I’m so grateful for the beautiful little girl you are turning into, and when I look into your sweet smiling face you make my heart quadruple in size. They always say three is a hard age, but I’m so ready to go through this next year to continue to watch you grow into who God is creating you to be. I know you are going to do big things and I love you more than life.

with love,
Your imperfect mama

...Because I Love to Share.

I’m coming up on ten years of owning this domain. It started as a photography blog/business, and I used to blog almost every day. Some days it was interesting, and sometimes I was so bored that I wrote a poem about my pumpkin scone. But I have kept this little space here on the inter-webs to come back to every now and again because I will forever have this dream of one day blogging more about my life. I don’t find myself particularly interesting. I’m not famous, and I may never go on to do anything noteworthy to be added to the history books, but I love my family, I love being a mom & I love sharing.

“Are people even reading blogs anymore? Is this still a thing? :Check: :Check: “Is this thing on?”

”

The question always comes up “Why do you post so much online?” And my answer is this. “Because I love to share.” I do. I always have. I love connecting with people and making people feel less alone, especially if it’s by sharing something funny, sad or embarrassing that I’m going through.

I tell myself every couple months “Well once my kids get a little older… once life settles down… once I get the house in order… once I get a better handle on creating content… etc” The truth is, I always have an excuse to not show up here in this space because I think I’m not put together enough for people to find me interesting or actually care. And, well, that may be true. Maybe no one reads this and maybe I spent 20-30 min downloading my thoughts and feelings just to send it out into the void for no one to care, but I’m realizing that I’m okay with that. I want to be able to look back on this time and have a record of how life unfolded.

Life is messy. Life isn’t perfect, and not every photo is going to be perfectly curated, and I’m okay with that. I just want to be able to show up. Put together or not. So, here you go, here are some photos of our life lately… Happy Tuesday!